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Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 2:25 p.m.

~ I heart my job ~

1. My desk is super-close to both the office bathroom and the office kitchen so I can count how many times everybody uses the bathroom, who eventually claims the unmarked and unloved burrito leftovers, and who relies on Red Bull to stay happy throughout late-afternoon conference calls. Downside: We have flimsy walls, so I can tell who passed on the wash-your-hands option simply by listening to the flushing fade away as the bathroom visitor departs a little too soon.

2. My boss bought me a portable phone so I could take it into the bathroom if I needed to. The Official Reason: So I would not be "chained" to my desk. The Unspoken Official Reason: He was tired of being on phone-duty every time I needed to pee.

3. No one can monitor how often I hit the bathroom due to everyone else's cubicle arrangement. Note: Being able to visit the bathroom frequently and speedily is crucial since I have a trigger-happy bladder that can squirt out a gallon of water for every eight ounces I drink and intestines that can be explosive, distressed, knotted or liquid depending upon my dietary choices the day before, if I'm stressed, how much water I've had, where I am in my cycle, and if I'm having a bad hair day.

4. I live one mile away from my office. Health Tip: Adding a mile walk to your daily routine can cause your once-squishy fat tushy to become a more toned fat tushy. Beware shin splints, though!

5. I am in charge of buying office supplies, keeping the candy dish full, stocking the kitchen, and buying all birthday cakes. Upside: I get tons of CVS bucks to use for myself by doing the office kitchen and candy shopping there with my CVS card. And occasionally sends me a $10 gift card as a bribe to try their office supplies which I use buying Mr. Man fun pens.

6. I have the best two bosses in the world. They are true gentlemen who love their wives and their mothers and who will explain something to me seven times if after the sixth time I still look confused. Bonus: They carry heavy things for me, trade me money for receipts when I buy new plants for the office, and sometimes play Cribbage with me at lunchtime in the Winter.

7. As receptionist, I have a real desk -- not a cubicle -- set off in my own space in our incredible lobby which has vaulted orange ceilings with punched-up loft windows. I have my very own big window that I keep filled with plants in silver pots and a radio on my desk that I keep tuned low to a ballad-y station. Plus: My computer is the only one arranged in such a way that anybody approaching my desk cannot see the screen at all without coming around my desk and standing behind me. This handy features allows me to play online Cribbage at, write at, visit to look for a sleeper sofa, scope out for hours on end in search of a new cat and check my several accounts many, many times a day. Yes, work keeps me so very, very busy.

8. Despite any agita they are about to give the account service team, the clients love me and call me "Little Miss Mary Sunshine," a nickname I was called when I worked as a grocery store cashier my last two years of high school. P.S. Mostly everyone here thinks I am in a way-good mood all the time, in part due to my unflaggingly cheerful telephone demeanor. Little do they know what a pessimistic, suspicious, harumphing curmudgeon I truly am.

9. While I have a bunch of responsibilities besides answering the phone -- supporting the CFO, filing invoices, updating hours and client costs in our online traffic database, sending out packages and mail, xeroxing, faxing, ordering meeting meals, handling vendors, calling our property management company whenever we have a leak (regularly) or when our elevator is shaking or grinding in a scary way (also regularly), doing research for one of the big bosses, monitoring employees' hours and sending out daily reminders, disposing of past-date and unlabelled food from the refrigerator, keeping a weekly calendar updated for the office, maintaining two 3" binders filled with newspaper tearsheets, sorting mail, and fielding any and all questions from callers, vendors and employees -- if I stay organized, I still have an average of five hours a day, not including lunch, that I can use however I want as long as I'm not blatant about it. Example: I can't spend my afternoon chatting on my cell with my feet up on my desk doing my nails while blowing juicy bubbles.

10. Have I mentioned how happy I am that the bathroom is really, really near my desk? It's time to pee!

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