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Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005 - 3:50 p.m.

~ Reasons Why I Should live In A Bubble On A Mountain Very Far Away ~

acne poppers
basketball dribblers
careless coughers
cellphone droners
chewing talkers
chocolate samplers
cigarette flickers
cuticle gnawers
dandruff scratchers
double dippers
earwax diggers
food commentators
foot jigglers
game cheaters
handwashing slackers
heavy walkers
line jostlers
loogie hawkers
movieseat kickers
nail biters
nose fiddlers
oblivious tailgaters
pee sprayers
pen tappers
pencil chewers
penis adjusters
perfume reekers
radio scanners
refrigerator slobs
scab pickers
scalp scratchers
sidewalk hoggers
sloppy kissers
spewing sneezers
toilet missers
unpedicured exposers
volume abusers
wedgie pluckers

Don't get me wrong. I'm quite a few of these myself. I hawk loogies and unpluck wedgies with the best of them, I jiggle my foot the fastest when I'm double-dipping, and, on occasion, I am -- yes, I WILL admit this -- I am -- albeit rarely -- unpedicured. There. I've said it.

However. When I do these things, I do them a.l.o.n.e. Or, at the worst, when I'm with Mr. Man who loves me even when I'm popping acne or adjusting someone's errant penis. In fact, I think he loves me even MORE when I miss the toilet or sample chocolate (although, probably not at the same time).


But, I do not wear headphones that blare garbled, pounding static when I am on a crowded subway. I do not spend my carpool commute flicking from one radio station to the next in search of the just-right song while my passengers blink rapidly and try to coast through my easy-listening-country-western-hip-hop-news-talk-alternative-rock drive-at-five. I do not spelunk in my ear canal, scratch ruts across my flaking scalp, nibble at my fingernails and then serve someone a Mocha Choco latte. And I do not sit at my desk and work and pretend no one can hear me clipping my toenails while I'm listening to the Red Sox score online at full volume as I'm taking personal calls regarding my housemate's cat's urinary tract infections.

I'm not envisioning a very big bubble on even a very high mountain. Just something that I can spritz every once in a while with Clean Green to polish it up nicely so I can look out below me to watch everybody tailgating, flicking, jostling, reeking, dribbling and spraying from far far away.

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